Okay...I'm not sure if it's that my 40th birthday is looming around the corner or what, but lately I've been grossly obsessed with my single status.
Yes folks, I have become one of those women that I used to shake my head at...wistfully watching wedding shows, smiling at happy couples in the street...crying at that AT&T commercial when the guy is sending his girl pictures on his Iphone and then the last picture is of her and she realizes he's come back home from his trip (see..the fact that I even KNOW that commercial should tell you the state that I'm in.)
I'm a very honest person and I've never had any problems openly confronting my flaws and yes, I am admitting that I am currently one of those women who is pre-occupied with find a mate.
I know this is the worse state to be in because I've counseled enough of my friends on how unattractive a desperate woman looks and how a guy can smell a woman seeking commitment a gazillion miles away...and to my credit, I don't think I've quite gotten there yet, but I'm on the verge and I realize something has to be done about it.
But a part of my problem with this is that while I observe all of the happily attached women who are either in my life or I know of them, one thing seems to remain a constant with all of them:
THEY HAVE BITCHY PERSONALITIES, BUT THEY ALL HAVE MEN WHO RUN UP BEHIND HIM EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY!!!!
I want to know what is this all about????????
I have always prided myself as being a nice, sweet, thoughtful woman who would never take a man for his money, use him, take advantage of him to get things I wanted, etc, etc. I've always lived by the "treat people the way you want to be treated" rule and while I've had some nice relationship, they are all obviously relationships in the PAST because I'm still single!!
So what am I doing wrong?
I guess that's a better question for guys I've previously dated, but when I see women who openly critize, mistreat, use, and neglect their men, but not only stay married year after year, but are also well loved and taken care of, I have to wonder.....
Am I better off being a BITCH to get and keep a man?
I mean, the statistics are highly in favor of bitchy women, from my little broke down survey I made up to measure my married friends versus my single ones:
For instance:
My friends who are outspoken, demanding, materialistic and egocentric, all have devoted husbands who would stop the world for them. They never have to worry about anything because their husbands take care of everything...and I mean EVERYTHING!
Now my other friends who are more on the sweet and demure side may have a guy here and there, but none have been in lasting committed relationships that are leading to marriage.
Now of course this is in VERY general terms and I know this is not the rule, but when I stopped to look at the people in my life or people who are friends of friends, this rule has reigned supreme.
Do men prefer women who are bitchy? Are they just down right bored with "nice girls"? Do they prefer someone to challenge their manhood at every turn and make them work hard to provide for them?
And by this, I don't mean does a man need a woman to stimulate him intellectually, I mean, do men secretly love women who are mean and rude to them, treat them like a butler at the mall as they trail behind their wives carrying packages that THEY paid for, and then make them wait around patiently for sex when SHE'S ready to give it up???
Is it better to be bitchy because nice girls really DO finish last????
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Men don't really prefer bitchy women, but men in general, and especially insecure men, seem to want to work for everything. When you're nice all of the time and easy going, they feel like something must be wrong.
ReplyDeleteKind of like that episode of Sex In the City" when Carrie was so unsettled by her relationship with Aiden without knowing why, until she realized that it was because for once nothing was wrong and she didn't know how to deal with it. Remember in the end she ended up leaving him and going back to her tortured relationship with Big.
I also think that insecure men, and women too for that matter, on some level feel that anyone totally devoted to them must not be worth much, since no one of real value would be so crazy about them.
There is also the man who just loves the chase and who has to "win". If no matter how much he does for this woman, he can't get her devotion, he comes to value her more and more and try harder and harder. The woman of course knows this and never gives him what he wants because she knows that once she does, she'll lose her value. And she may genuinely love him and not want to lose him.
There are normal men who appreciate a good woman who treats them well. Often they are ones who have been around a while and been hurt by women who have played games with them. But the danger with them is that once they get used to your treating them well, they get new confidence and decide that if they can get you, they can get other good women too. Oh well...
Okay...you have officially become my "Blog Advisor"! You ALWAYS have the best insight into things! And you are right on the money..it is such a Catch 22 situation in the dating world...you have to remain the "one to be chased" to keep a man's attention, and then just when you think he's into you and you can let your guard down and be caught, he's off to the next adventure. I'm ready for this merry-go-round of "will he or won't he" to stop so I can get the heck off!!!!
ReplyDeleteI found your topic to be very interesting and I just did an informal poll with single guys I know last week. Most will say that they don't want a bitch. I had started reading the book "Why men love bitches". In the book, her premise is that men love a challenge. In that aspect, being a "good" woman may not present a challenge to a man.
ReplyDeleteHowever, let's look at the flip side for a minute...all of the women who are not single, are they happy? Are their relationships healthy? As outsiders (dare I say coveters) looking in, we can only see what any couple allows us to see. Some women may not technically be alone but they are lonely, unhappy, unappreciated and abused...which I know you are not dying to dive into their misery head first!
I can sympathize with all you said as by your description of yourself, we are A LOT alike and have had the same thoughts (hence me reading that book). However, I want to encourage you as I encourage myself. God is not cruel enough to have us on this Earth where we can not be loved for who He made us to be, especially when who we are glorifies Him. Unfortunately, most men will not be good enough for us. Outside pressures (and some inner pressures) may make us feel lonely and question who we are. But, cousin, we are perfectly and wonderfully made!!! Just like everyone can't afford or appreciate precious jewels, every one can't appreciate or AFFORD us. You keep being a sweet and good woman. Keep being true to yourself, because in the end, that's all that matters. Focus on being a challenge...not a bitch. Hold back some niceness, choke on that romantic heart if you have too, just until he has shown you that he is in it more than you.
I feel I may ramble so I will close. Keep writing!!!
Hi Jessica! I'm so happy to see my cousin here and thank you so much for supporting my blog. Your words are so powerful and really helped to give me a new perspective on the situation. I'd often wondered if there would ever come a time when I would meet someone who would simply love me for me. I know the words sound so cliche, but there's no better way to say it. Your comment about us being who we are glorifying God put everything into a clear picture. Before ANY man comes God and shouldn't my first hope be to glorify and uplift Him? I've often joked that God has an amazing sence of humor when it comes to me and my love-life, but it's really the choices that I have made without consulting HIM first that have lead to a lot of my...um...well, let's just call them "situations"!! LOL Your words touched my heart and I appreciate them and hope other women will read them and learn from them as well.
ReplyDeleteAnd p.s. you are NOT rambling!!!! I'll keep writing and I hope you keep coming back to visit! :)
I am glad that my words could inspire you. I thought of your blog and the topic the other day and wanted to share a horrible revelation. Being a challenge is hard and it goes against the sweetheart God made me to be...but the flip side of that is that there is this guy who swears he is in love and he gets on my nerves! The more I say no or am cold, the more interested he becomes. It is sick!!! But, I just wanted you to know that I am taking my own advice as well and focusing on being a challenge...which, when you are a good woman, feels like you are being mean and a bitch. I am learning that a man will have to work for and earn all of the wonderful things I bring to the table lest he won't appreciate them. I agree that a lot of my own decisions (made without consulting God) have caused me to throw my pearls before swine. Now, I refuse to give to dogs what is holy...let's see where it gets me! Keep you posted and you keep writing!!!
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