Case of the Ex: How much contact is TOO much contact?

Remember that song by Mya called "Case of the Ex"? It started out like this, "It's after midnight and she's on your phone..saying come over cuz she's all alone..I could tell it was your ex by her tone...now why is she calling you after so long?"

Hum..good question, and one that begs discussion.

How much contact is TOO much contact with an ex?

These days, an "ex" has many different meanings. It no longer just applies to an ex husband or boyfriend, but it can also mean someone you used to sleep with, someone you used to "kick it" with, or someone that you just entertained the possibility of a relationship with for a minute and then decided against it. Whatever the case may be, there is usually a reason that this person has been demoted to "ex" status and is no longer the focal point of your life, right? So why the continued contact, phone calls, and meet ups?

From my vantage point, I believe there are a few reasons why people engage in "ex-relationships". The first, and most obvious one is to continue the sex without the responsibility. Let's face it, here's a person that you know well and probably enjoyed intimacy with, so what's better than having all the fun without the work? The second is what I hear most from men, "I just like her as a friend now" and I guess this means she either put him in the friends zone and has refused to give him some so he's taking what he can get in hopes that she will eventually change her mind in a weak moment, or...he's gay.

Sorry...I can't think of any other reason that a man remains friends with a woman he's physically attracted to and I BEG the men out there to prove me wrong on this one. I'm curious as hell.

What these "ex-relationshipers" fail to see, however, is that once they have entered into another possible relationship with someone else, the whole connection to the ex will undoubtedly cause a problem, even with the most secure of folk. I don't know the person who wants to hear about his or her boyfriend hanging out at his ex-girl/boyfriend's house whom he/she used to have sex with because they are still "such cool friends".

SERIOUSLY???

Okay...maybe it's just me. Help a sista out. Inquiring minds wanna know!

You know what? I'm TIRED!!!!

As a single woman, and a single BLACK woman in particular, there seems to be a universal concensus that if you are not strong 110%, 25 hours a day, 8 days a week, somehow you are not a "true" Black woman. We have historically carried families and responsibilities on our shoulders and now in this new millennium, we have continued the tradition. More and more women are raising their children alone, balancing budgets, maintaining their cars, doing the yard work, bringing home the bacon, frying it up in the pan, and then CLEANING the pan after everyone has eaten! We do it all...we are Superwomen with a big "S" on our chests and it is something to be proud of. But with that being said, where is the room to feel what some of us REALLY want to feel?

When is it okay to say...you know, I wouldn't mind having some help and I'd like to just get somewhere and SIT DOWN and not have to worry about things for a minute!

My life is a never-ending juggling act. Raising two teenagers, one of which is college bound in the fall, dealing with their hectic social schedules, meeting their needs, nurturing them and at this point becoming their friend and confidant. Add in a full time job, on-line schooling, book writing on the side, and the attempt at a social life, and that adds up to one tired little mama! But I do this because this is my life and I wouldn't change it for the world.

Well...maybe just one TEENY WEENY little thing...

I would like for it to be okay every now and then to just say, "You know what? I'm TIRED!" And this doesn't mean that I want to shun any of my responsibilities or my family, it just means that I would like to take mini breaks from being so strong all the time.

I want to just relax and not think about a bill, work, or an obligation for 24 hour period each week.

I want to be in the company of a man who will treat me like a princess and let me sit in the passenger side and not have to lift a finger for ANYTHING if only for one night.

I want to go and get my hair, nails, and toes done, throw in a massage, a movie, and a shopping spree, and not once beat myself up for spending money on myself that I could have spent on my kids.

I want to sleep until noon and not feel like I should be up cooking, cleaning, or whatever, on a Saturday.

I want to be thin without using that DAMN elliptical machine! (okay..so this has nothing to do with the topic, but I had to throw that in there because I was just thinking about the work-out that I don't want to do tomorrow....)

I want to be able to say out loud, "I not only want a man...I NEED a man because they are stronger, braver, and bigger than I am and I would feel happy and safe with a good one around all the time that would just let me be a lady and protect and care for me" without some woman in the crowd telling me that I need to get out of the 50's and do for myself (Dammit...I've been doing for myself for the past 10 years! I'M TIRED!!!)

And finally...I would like to just be able to genuinely RELAX. Not just what I do when I come home from work (which is cook, clean, work out, mingle with kids, etc., as this could hardly be considered relaxing). I want weekend trips to the mountains, the beach, or where ever, where I can recharge and re-group. I know most people do this kind of thing all the time and some of you reading this might think, "why doesn't she just take a trip and shut the heck up with all this whining?" And I say it's because I'm so busy being a Superwoman 25/8/366 that I can't find the time!!!

Does anybody out there feel me on this one????

Aging and Other Inevitable Stuff

So, I made it to the Big 4-0 without incident, no apocolypse or anything, and it actually hasn't been that bad. I admit, I was a bit self-absorbed about it for a minute..even thinking that when my birthday came, I would somehow be branded with a sign in my forehead that said "YOU ARE SO DAMN OLD". But none of that happened, and it was actually one of the best birthdays of my entire life. Something else happened to me, though on that day that I find much more valuable and worth it than ever being as shallow as worrying about getting older. I realized that getting older means that I am still ALIVE, and with being alive comes the opportunity to follow every hope and possibility that life has to offer. I can still pursue my dream of writing, of becoming a counseling psychologist, of being financially independent, of marrying the man of my dreams, etc., etc. And it also means that I know things that are not only beneficial, but that also serve to make my time here on this earth that much more interesting, which are things I didn't quite get in my 20's and 30's. For example:

I understand the benefits waiting for what's AUTHENTICALLY good, instead of rushing for what APPEARS to be good, in any situation.

I get that having fun doesn't necessarily mean that tons of money needs to be spent, but relates more to the company that I'm keeping.

I know that it makes no sense to buy a $500 designer handbag just so I can say I have an "original" when I can just go get a knock-off at the flea market for $40 bucks that looks exactly the same (and for the record, the original is only the very FIRST bag made, so even if you spend $500, you STILL aren't getting an "original" Prada, Louis, etc.)

I value the fact there is no glamour in having a "thug" and that a good "nice" man is worth his weight in GOLD.

I understand that a woman's worth in the big scheme of things is not measured by her dress size, bust size, or her wardrobe, but by the condition of her heart (and I also understand that anyone who thinks it is measured by the first things I mentioned, is someone who will make me run like the devil in the OPPOSITE direction!)

I learned the importance of a woman having her own mind, her own dreams and visions, and her own sence of importance instead of letting another person set the standard for her own life.

So all in all, this aging stuff is actually quite a positive thing...yes it may bring about some grey hairs that we didn't see coming, it may slow us down a bit, and it may make us look for that table to sit at at the club as opposed to being able to stand up and dance for 7 hours straight, but more importantly, if we are paying attention and learning, it brings about the two greatest and most precious gifts of all:

WISDOM AND UNDERSTANDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's to all my precious sista girls in the 40's club...this one's for YOU girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)