"The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn is to Love and to Be Loved in Return"-Nat King Cole

The one thing in this world that everyone has in common, no matter what their background or life experience has been, is the pursuit to love and be loved in return. We are all God’s creations and since God is love, our very make-up drives us to not only seek love, but drives us to experience it, share it, and cherish it. Think of all the things that have been done in the world in the name of love. Think of all the self-help books that exist to help people find love. Think of all the songs written that have love as the subject. Love is everywhere and all around us, and it’s a beautiful thing, but what is sometimes sad is that most of us forget that love doesn’t start when someone else says “I love you”, love starts with us loving ourselves first.

You hear people professing all over the place “I love myself”! But in the next moment, they may do something that so completely disrespects themselves, that the casual observer is left wondering, what happened to all that love of self? Anywhere from men who allow themselves to become a part of a lifestyle that is not condusive to the betterment of his community, to women who reduce their worth to the size of their body parts, you will see examples of those who lack a high value of themselves. It is crucial for us all who wish to give and receive GOOD love to look first at ourselves, accept ourselves for who we are, change those things that we have the ability and desire to change, and then love the rest. Unconditionally. Understand that we are children of the Most High and that we are here by divine purpose. We are special. We are powerful. We are incredible human beings who deserve to experience the purest form of love that is derived straight from the Father

And we should accept nothing less.

When I was younger and heard my parents play the song by Nat King Cole called “Nature Boy”, I didn’t understand what he meant about love being the greatest thing we would ever learn. But as an adult, it is crystal clear. There are few, if any, things in this world that have the solid security that true love offers. It comes in many different forms, like the love you have for your parents, your children, your significant other, your friends, and a host of others. It drives us to do things that evoke courage, strength, passion and compassion, and things we didn’t think we were capable of until we experienced love first hand. Love is our direct connection to the Creator and the more we love ourselves and spread that love freely and unselfishly to others, the more we will remain pleasing in His eyes.

The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is to love, and to be loved in return, because love is the summation of all things. It endures, and it NEVER fails…

Yes indeed…

Is S & M a relationship requirement??

Sometimes it hurts loving someone, particularly if the feelings aren't mutual. And even when both people are feeling each other, some relationships just aren't healthy. There are those riddled with emotional or physical abuse, lack of respect, or those based only on physical pleasure when one party secretly wants a deeper commitment, but is afraid to speak up out of fear of losing the object of their desire.

And then...there are those that I like to call "The Mr. Big Syndrome"

And by "Big", I don't mean his physical endowments!

Everyone who knows me, knows I'm probably the biggest fan of Sex and the City of all time, and on this show, one of the characters named Carrie has had a 10 year love affair with a man named John whom she refers to as "Mr. Big". In her mind, Mr. Big is everything she's ever drempt of in a man: handsome, successful, wordly, a real "man's man". And he's very into her too...only problem is, he's not exactly the type that embraces commitment and as a result of her unwillingness to move on to a man who may be ready to receive her, she stuck it out and was hurt over and over and OVER again.

But really, you can't blame Mr Big for Carrie being hurt. Any woman or man who continues to wait around for someone who's clearly not interested, or who shows interest but doesn't want to go to the next level, can't blame their love interest either.

If we continuously go back to situations that cause us pain from lack of fulfillment, aren't we indeed participating in a form of S & M?

I mean, there's no physical bondage, but clearly, the mental bondage is there, holding us in space and time and disabling our common sense to see situations for what they really are. My father has always said, "People will always show you exactly who they are. You just have to pay attention." And as I get older, I've found this to be true on every occasion.

But do you think that hasn't gotten me caught up in some S & M sessions of my own? Please...y'all know me!

For some people, though, pain is pleasurable...some people seem to SEEK OUT situations that aren't emotionally fulfilling and stay there dwelling on it, telling anyone who will listen how their significant other treats them so poorly, crying on the phone when the pain of the whips and chains gets too much to bear, but yet and still, they stay...day after day.

This makes me think...do most people think love isn't love...without a little S & M in the mix?

The REAL Truth about Online Dating-Seven Stages of Understanding

AS a single woman, I would be lying through my teeth if I didn't admit to having belonged to a social networking site (or two...or three...or four...heck, I've probably been on ALL of them at one point or another!). And with each experience, I went through the same Seven Stages of Understanding. It's almost like the seven stages of grief, but in some cases, the emotions of online dating are far more overwhelming. Here's what I'm talking about:

STAGE ONE: SHOCK AND DENIAL-"Omg...I am really on a dating website! I can't believe I'm taking random pictures of myself in my bathroom mirror attempting to make myself look thinner than I really am just to catch some guy online who may be a weirdo or serial killer! Am I REALLY doing this??? Noo...of course of I'm not! I'm a writer and I'm just doing this to create topics to write about, not because I'm really trying to meet someone. I'm not a complete LOSER!"

STAGE TWO: PAIN AND GUILT-"It is really painful to see all these pictures of men that are clearly at least 10 years old and taken from 10 miles away and then to have them message me and wonder when we will meet. How can I meet them?? I won't even be able to RECOGNIZE them! But I feel so bad and a bit guilty for simply deleting their messages and pretending that I never read them. I wonder do they have the premium membership where they will get a notification of me having opened their message????

STAGE THREE: ANGER AND BARGAINING-"Okay, really??? Did you REALLY just send me ANOTHER "wink" when my profile CLEARLY states "No winks please!" All I asked was that you take the time to send me an ACTUAL MESSAGE! What does you "winking" at me have to do with making any kind of real connection??? Aren't we adults??? USE YOUR WORDS, MY MAN!!!! But wait...okay, even though he DID send that wink, he WAS really cute. And that body wasn't anything to rush by either...maybe I could work with him and give him a chance. Maybe he just sent that wink because he's not a paid member yet.....?

STAGE FOUR: DEPRESSION-"This is just NOT the answer. None of these men seem to be serious about having a real relationship and all of these sites seem like just one big ol' booty call. I can't believe I let myself get sucked into the madness. I'll never find the man that I want and look at all the money I've wasted joining these so-called "love guarantee" sites. You SUCK Match.com (yeah, I called you out!!!)

STATE FIVE: THE UPWARD TURN-"Okay, so that message I got from Kevin was actually pretty decent. He seems like a nice, normal guy, he had a recent picture (and had ALL of his teeth in his mouth), and even had a good sense of humor. Maybe this isn't so bad after all. And with all the practice I'm getting chatting online, maybe I'll even step it up a notch and take my convo to the streets and meet men in person to eliminate the question of whether or not I'm talking to a man NOW or his image 10 years ago!

STAGE SIX: RECONSTRUCTION AND WORKING THROUGH-"I will only take the time to respond to the actual messages and I'll just delete all the smiles/winks without worrying so much about them. I've decided to take more stock in getting out and doing the things I enjoy in life and meeting men that way than just sitting behind a computer hoping for love. It's more fun to be a part of the REAL world anyway.

STATE SEVEN: ACCEPTANCE AND HOPE-"So maybe these dating sites are not the answer for everyone. Sure there are the love stories of people getting married after meeting on Match or EHarmony, but I'm beginning believe those people are the EXCEPTION and definitely not the RULE. For me, I've learned that just living my life is the only way that I will come into contact with the man who was made for me. And I have enough hope to believe that he's just around the corner. :-)

Nuff said.

Empty Nest....New Life

Well, the day that I have both wistfully dreamed of and dreaded has finally come. Both of my children have graduated high school and are about to embark on lives of their own. My son has just completed his freshman year in college and will be moving out to his own apartment with friends, and my daughter will begin her freshman year in August and will be living in the dorms. Now I know most adults when they get to this point in their lives can hardly wait to turn the kids rooms into an exercise space or begin taking trips with their husbands, but for me it's a bit different. It has always been the three of us for the majority of their lives and it's a bit difficult to think of the two of them not being within an arms reach everyday. And while both of them are waiting with baited breath to just get the heck out of mom's house, I'm a little melancholy about it all.

On the other hand....whenever I tell one of my friends or family members about how I feel, I am met with comments like, "Are you KIDDING me, Jeanette??? This is YOUR time girl!!" or "Now you have time to do whatever you want to do for YOU! You better enjoy it!" I have to admit, a part of me is very excited at the thought of not having to rush to pick up children from various events and having the freedom to attend after work functions if I so choose. It will also be relaxing not to worry about cooking dinner every night or being able to just come home and sit down and do absolutely NOTHING if I don't feel like it. I can write anytime I like and if I'm lucky enough to meet a great guy, we'll be free to come and go as we please. It's like having my 20's all over again (although doing my 20's at 41 will be something to see since the energy I had then is A LOT different that the energy I have now!!). When I think of it like that, I get excited, but somehow the thoughts of an empty house always creep back into my thoughts....

I remember when Rashaad and Maariyah were little and they were always underfoot. I couldn't walk two steps without one of them grabbing my pant leg or holding their arms up to be picked up. I carried them on my hip through toddler-hood and I will carry them in my heart for eternity. I know that I have to loosen the cord and pray that everything I've taught them has stuck and that they will go on into the world and become happy, successful and responsible adults who will be able to take care of themselves and one day their own families. And while they have their journey, their mother is beginning one of her own...the journey to rediscovering who I am as a person and picking back up all those deferred dreams of the past 20 years and putting them into action.

This is going to be quite a ride!!!!! :)

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return"-Nat King Cole

The one thing in this world that everyone has in common, no matter what their background or life experience has been, is the pursuit to love and be loved in return. We are all God’s creations and since God is love, our very make-up drives us to not only seek love, but drives us to experience it, share it, and cherish it. Think of all the things that have been done in the world in the name of love. Think of all the self-help books that exist to help people find love. Think of all the songs written that have love as the subject. Love is everywhere and all around us, and it’s a beautiful thing, but what is sometimes sad is that most of us forget that love doesn’t start when someone else says “I love you”, love starts with us loving ourselves first.

You hear people professing all over the place “I love myself”! But in the next moment, they may do something that so completely disrespects themselves, that the casual observer is left wondering, what happened to all that love of self? Anywhere from men who allow themselves to become a part of a lifestyle that is not condusive to the betterment of his community, to women who reduce their worth to the size of their body parts, you will see examples of those who lack a high value of themselves. It is crucial for us all who wish to give and receive GOOD love to look first at ourselves, accept ourselves for who we are, change those things that we have the ability and desire to change, and then love the rest. Unconditionally. Understand that we are children of the Most High and that we are here by divine purpose. We are special. We are powerful. We are incredible human beings who deserve to experience the purest form of love that is derived straight from the Father

And we should accept nothing less.

When I was younger and heard my parents play the song by Nat King Cole called “Nature Boy”, I didn’t understand what he meant about love being the greatest thing we would ever learn. But as an adult, it is crystal clear. There are few, if any, things in this world that have the solid security that true love offers. It comes in many different forms, like the love you have for your parents, your children, your significant other, your friends, and a host of others. It drives us to do things that evoke courage, strength, passion and compassion, and things we didn’t think we were capable of until we experienced love first hand. Love is our direct connection to the Creator and the more we love ourselves and spread that love freely and unselfishly to others, the more we will remain pleasing in His eyes.

The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is to love, and to be loved in return, because love is the summation of all things. It endures, and it NEVER fails…

Yes indeed…

Before you ask the Lord to send you a man...be careful what you wish for!!!

Last night I saw a very interesting play with a friend of mine entitled "The Lawd Done Sent Me a Man". I think the title speaks for itself so I won't go into a play-by-play, but the bottom line message was that it's important for women to wait on what the Lord has in store for them instead of trying to go out and get it for themselves. I can honestly say that my life is a living testimony of how true that is because what I went out and found for myself in the past has definitely left much to be desired..lol.

But the play and it's concept got me to thinking...as much as we single chicks dream about having that special man in our lives, would we even recognize what the Lord sent to us if it showed up? In the play, the man that was meant for the main character had a terrible stutter and seemed out of the realm of what she was used to dating. He had been coming around for three years and not once did she even consider him because he didn't fit the mold of what she thought was best for her. How many of us have passed up the not so attractive men who were nice and respectful, only to go after the "fine" men who were not always so polite and had player tendencies?

As women, we usually have a general idea in our head as to what we are looking for in a man, but we tend to seek out what we want based on the package that we think it should come in. This often leads us down the path of no return, running behind some good for nothing guy who just strings us along and adds us to his pack of other "honies", none of which he has any intention of doing right by. While in the meantime, the nice, good guy who has our best interests at heart gets pushed by the wayside in our pursuit to be with the handsome and carismatic playa.

I firmly believe that it is our thoughts and desires that send people and things into our lives because God strives to give us the desires of our hearts. That is why it's so important to be careful what you wish for because if you head isn't right when you are making the wish, you will likely get just what you asked for...and a boatload of trouble and heart-ache right along with it!

I am guilty of this too. In my moments of weakness I wished for stuff that I knew I had no business asking for and then reaped what I sowed after the fact. But as I grow, I'm learning that we can't expect to have what we want in our lives before we have a clear understanding as to what it is we actually NEED and what we know through prayer is actually BEST for us.

I'm still on my journey towards this, but I figure at some point, I'll get it right!!!! :)

Case of the Ex: How much contact is TOO much contact?

Remember that song by Mya called "Case of the Ex"? It started out like this, "It's after midnight and she's on your phone..saying come over cuz she's all alone..I could tell it was your ex by her tone...now why is she calling you after so long?"

Hum..good question, and one that begs discussion.

How much contact is TOO much contact with an ex?

These days, an "ex" has many different meanings. It no longer just applies to an ex husband or boyfriend, but it can also mean someone you used to sleep with, someone you used to "kick it" with, or someone that you just entertained the possibility of a relationship with for a minute and then decided against it. Whatever the case may be, there is usually a reason that this person has been demoted to "ex" status and is no longer the focal point of your life, right? So why the continued contact, phone calls, and meet ups?

From my vantage point, I believe there are a few reasons why people engage in "ex-relationships". The first, and most obvious one is to continue the sex without the responsibility. Let's face it, here's a person that you know well and probably enjoyed intimacy with, so what's better than having all the fun without the work? The second is what I hear most from men, "I just like her as a friend now" and I guess this means she either put him in the friends zone and has refused to give him some so he's taking what he can get in hopes that she will eventually change her mind in a weak moment, or...he's gay.

Sorry...I can't think of any other reason that a man remains friends with a woman he's physically attracted to and I BEG the men out there to prove me wrong on this one. I'm curious as hell.

What these "ex-relationshipers" fail to see, however, is that once they have entered into another possible relationship with someone else, the whole connection to the ex will undoubtedly cause a problem, even with the most secure of folk. I don't know the person who wants to hear about his or her boyfriend hanging out at his ex-girl/boyfriend's house whom he/she used to have sex with because they are still "such cool friends".

SERIOUSLY???

Okay...maybe it's just me. Help a sista out. Inquiring minds wanna know!